Saturday, March 13, 2010
Revenge of the Celebrities
Bloody hell -- leggings are back in a big way. They have been threatening to return for about the past five years, but they never seemed to quite get back into the fashion mainstream. Call 'em leggings or skinny jeans, they are still ruthlessly unflattering on almost all figure types. Except suspiciously thin celebrities. I believe the proliferation of leggings are in fact passive-aggressive conspiracy by celebrities to punish the rest of us for their own inability to eat and maintain a career. Think about it: The thrill of an Oscar nomination and what did Sandra Bullock talk about on the red carpet -- a burger and fries as a reward if she won. Yep, in Hollywood you have to win an Oscar in order to eat a burger and fries. Oscar=Burger and Fries. No wonder those people are so competitive. They are hungry. If she'd lost the Oscar would it have been back to carrots and tofu? And who among us can blame poor Naomi Campbell for slapping a couple people around once in awhile? Poor thing hasn't eaten in years. Here is how it all went down: Celebrities seem to live in two cities: LA and New York, so it would be easy for them to meet-up and hatch their evil plan. I can hear it now: "Psst! Sandra, I'll wear roses on my boobs if you promise to wear leggings in public!" "Oh, Charlize, you are such a card! That sounds like fun. Let's do it!" So now leggings are everywhere.
A new twist on the leggings phenomena are man-leggings. I kind of get why guys like them because they make their junk look bigger. Personally, if I was a man, I would just shove a pair of socks in my pants, but I'm all about comfort. Leggings really don't do a damn thing for women at all. Gawd help you if you have a big butt (I don't -- but don't ever announce this in a Weight Watchers meeting. Those women can get ugly fast.) these things will make your behind the size of a billboard. Last year when I made my fabulous trip to be in the annual SMASHED Potatoes St. Pat's Day parade, I thought some of those shiny, liquid leggings might be hilariously inappropriate. When I tried them on I realised that not even I would stoop that low for a cheap laugh. Those things showed every single bit of cellulite on my person and magnified it by ten. It was horrifying. I sent them back, but I thought briefly about destroying them so NO ONE would EVER be able to wear them again. But alas, fiscal prudence won out and I mailed them back. I didn't care if I was in another state, in a wig and sunglasses, nobody was going to see me in those damn things. I am just not THAT funny.
I think that an integral part of the conspiracy is to make us all look like fools for a few years, so the wicked fashionistas have plenty of fodder for their future "fashion don'ts". Why? Because although they want us to be jealous of their fabulous, glamorous lives, what they REALLY want is a burger and fries. Celebrities can be so passive-aggressive when they are hungry.