Sunday, August 26, 2012

Jo-Jo's Guide to Hurricane Categories for Dummies

As hurricane/tropical storm Issac looms somewhere off the coast of Florida, I feel I have a duty to inform the public of what those vague catagories of hurricanes actually mean.  Here we go:

Tropical Storm:  I can't believe this wasn't a named storm.  It was much worse than ___________ (fill in name of Category  1 hurricane back in ____ (year).

Category One:  I hope the cable and internet don't go down.

Category Two:  Oh, crap!  Not the cable, internet AND the electricity.  What is all that crap my neighbors have doing in my pool?

Category Three:  What is my neighbor's roof doing in my pool?

Category Four:  Oh crap!  We should have left town.

Category Five:  Write out your will and testimony.  Put it in a Ziploc bag.  You're toast.

Any questions?

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Headless Random Fat Lady

O.K., I haven't posted in quite awhile in part because I have nothing to say.  The other part is,  Blogger changed their format and apparently I have to find my own pictures to post.  I am not a photographer and I started this blog because I like writing.  Like most middle-aged people who still remember punctuation and spelling, when I started this blog I had no idea how picture-driven blogging is.  If they are going to make me work this hard for something I am putting out there for free by doing something I don't particularly like to do it seems rather pointless.   Until this morning.

I returned from this morning's much hated walking to a televised news story on obese diabetics.  The good news is (even though I am not diabetic) that fat diabetics live longer than skinny diabetics.  Before I could smile acknowledging that at last there was some justice in the world. they showed some stock footage's of a fat woman.  You known the footage -- the one where they show the random fat lady with her head cut-off, like this affords her some sort of anonymity.  Dollars for doughnuts this lady knows who she is and when she is out shopping for plants at the Home Depot she probably hasn't planned on being on T.V.  They may think she won't care if here head is cut off, but you can put money on it, that lady knows who she is and she is probably none to happy to be the random fat lady for that day.

I want all my friends, family, enemies, T.V. producers and punk kids with fancy phones to know that NOBODY has my permission to use me as the fat example, headless or not.  I once saw myself in the security camera at the local Michael's and thought:  "Who is that fat lady with the flat butt?"  It was me.  I may never shop there again.  They don't have that thing at the front of the door so you can plan to glance down at the floor and miss the horror show entirely.  Nope, they have that thing hanging up in the middle of the store where you really don't expect to see yourself until you look-up and your sensibilities are assaulted in a guerrilla attack on your vanity.   If I wanted to concern myself with  that sort of thing I would go swimsuit shopping.

That's it.  I may figure this damn blogging thing out (again) or not, but I want it known that  NOBODY has my permission to use stock footage of me as the headless random fat lady.  Well, unless they plan on paying me.  They we'll talk.