Saturday, March 20, 2010
It's 2010: The "Year of the Skank"
It's only March. We are only three months into the year and yet another cheating, liar-of-a-husband scandal has ALLEGEDLY erupted. No wonder Jennifer Aniston has been looking so happy these past few months, so tanned, content and serene that she is almost Zen. Who care about scandals of yore, when we have Tiger Woods, John Edwards, SC Governor Mark Sanford (of way-down-in-Argentina fame), and now ALLEGEDLY Sandra Bullock's husband, Jesse James? Why there is a whole bevy of botoxed, implanted beauties fighting for tabloid space. Just as one wayward husband departs for sex addiction camp, another one takes his place. Therefore, since I am always on the cutting edge, I have decided to declare 2010 the "Year of the Skank".
No doubt some of these charming ladies will object to use of the term "skank". Tiger Wood's ALLEGED mistress, Rachel Uchitel, has taken umbrage with the term "slut" and would like to be called "mistress". That's right: The age of political correctness has entered the world of adultery. I am not quite sure what the big difference between a slut and a mistress is, but I think it has to do with how many times you have slept with the guy. A mistress, if I am not mistaken, is a repeat offender and sleeps with the guy more than once. To establish your rank as mistress (not slut) it helps if the guy still has your phone number, because you can establish an electronic record that you actually do know the guy. A slut, on the other hand, only sleeps with the guy once or twice and he never calls her again. So the slut, doesn't sleep with the guy more than once or twice, and the mistress sleeps with the guy a lot. Therefore, the mistress deserves to be treated with a little more dignity that your average slut. It is also my understanding that you can be an ALLEGED mistress, but never an ALLEGED slut. (How do those tabloid editors keep up with it all? My head is swimming.) So, Tiger Woods' ALLEGED mistress, Rachel Uchitel, feels that although women-who-slept-with-Tiger are queueing up in a line that forms around the block, she was his mistress, because her relationship with Tiger was special. O-kee-dook-ie, if you say so.
Now John Edwards' ALLEGED mistress, Rielle Hunter, will soon be demanding a far more prestigious title as an official hisbabymoma. In other-woman parlance, being hisbabymoma has far more clout than just being his ALLEGED mistress, it is akin to almost being married to him. Except she's not. He is married to somebody else. In Edwards' case, he was married to someone with terminal cancer, she knew it, and still, she slept with him. So, what do you suppose that makes her?
Now, before you go thinking that I am being hard on these women, what about these men, rest assured that I am of the opinion that a wife and husband make promises to each other when they take their wedding vows. Bottom line, my deal is with him, his deal is with me, not some third-party skank, mistress, or whatever she wants to be called. If I have a score to settle, it will be with him.
Now I do not know her personally, but I have always liked Sandra Bullock and I feel pretty bad that her husband ALLEGEDLY fooled around with some skank. But I ask you: If you were Jesse James wouldn't you be just a little afraid of Sandy? Once Sandy gets over the gut-punch, broken-heart he has inflicted, Sandy might just kick his ass. I hope she does. What the hell was this guy thinking? Have you seen this chick he ALLEGEDLY slept with? She is an overly-tatooed, skanky, rode-hard-and-put-away-wet MESS. I'll be calling her a slut right here, because what else do you call somebody who screws-up somebody's life for a $30,000 magazine story two weeks after she wins the Oscar which should be the happiest time of her life?
I predict that Michelle "Bombshell" McGee -- Jesse James' ALLEGED whatchamacallit-- will not be the last skank to crawl out of the woodwork in 2010, and onto the pages of your favorite grocery store tabloid. Therefore, I OFFICIALLY declare 2010 "The Year of the Skank" before someone else beats me to it. Remember, kids, you heard it here first.