Monday, April 19, 2010

Signs of Aging: FootSmart is My Friend

It started off subtlety, as all addictions do. My Dad had congestive heart failure and needed socks that were loose around the top. I did an Internet search and found them at a place called FootSmart. Pretty soon, I was receiving the FootSmart catalog. It seemed like a bunch of old people stuff, but then their product line started to appeal to me. Words like "massaging footbed" and "energizing cushion". I knew I could use some of that. Then the FootSmart catalog started discussing things like pronation and plantar fasciitis. Maybe the cure to all my problems would be motion control shoes.

The catalogs continued to come, one at a time. They weren't unrelenting like AARP on your fiftieth birthday. Those bastards harangued me mercilessly. Oh no, the FootSmart people just tucked their little catalog in amid the bills and magazines. Then I started keeping the catalog next to my chair. Brand names like "Naturalizer", "Merrell", "Romika" and the holy grail of baby boomer footwear "Birkenstock" danced in my head like proverbial sugarplums. Before I knew it, I was lusting after the Thorlos Cushion Socks, which promised me "pain-proof steps" at only $12.59 a pair. Wait -- since when would I even THINK about spending $12.59 on a single pair of socks? That is on sale, regular retail is $13.99. I'd better hurry to get the bargain! The FootSmart catalog was like orthopedic crack. Soon I was suggesting it to friends: "I know you think it is all old lady shoes, but have you checked the FootSmart catalog? They have some really cute stuff. " Since when did I think shoes with names like: "Orthaheels" were cute? Since when did I start reading catalogs that centerfolds include Dr. Andrew Weill? How did I go from Manalos to Tevas? Again I found myself sitting on the floor, wailing like Nancy Kerrigan at the 1994 Winter Olympics: "Why? Why? Why?" Getting old sneaks up on you. In sensible shoes made by Propet.

FootSmart now features a section for bras that are starting to look pretty good to me. Good-bye Victoria's Secret, hello full-figure support! I have my eye on a leisure bra. What??? After years of standing at attention my boobs need to relax.

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