Thursday, October 21, 2010

Yet Another Piece of Halloween Crap-O-La

Halloween woman opening curtains

In case you wonder where I have been I've been nursing a nasty kidney infection, while still trying to get the yard decorated for Halloween. This would be MUCH easier if vendors would STOP trying to selling such major CRAP-O-LA for Halloween decor.

This year with it started with the demise of Target as purveyor of cool, cheap Halloween goodness. I am not supposed to be shopping there for a whole bevy of political and personal reasons, but I'm sort of a sell-out when it comes to Halloween. This year they made it easy buy purchasing a bunch of crap and selling it at highly inflated prices. The first thing I purchased was a Zombie. On sale he was around eighty bucks. At one of those Halloween mega stores I would expect anything this large at this price point to be junk, but in years past Target has pulled through for me. Not this year. This Zombie was eight kinds of crap. It had shoes made out of that cheap Styrofoam that sort of sheds and crumble. The bastards that manufactured this thing wouldn't even spring for plastic. I felt like I'd been punked.

I carted the thing back to my local Target where upon I was met by a very pious clerk working the the returns counter. She glared at my purchase. I said: "I need to return this Zombie." The clerk gave me a look of extreme disapproval. She said: "I don't have to like it, but I guess I have to take it back." She scanned the item and I swear she harrumphed. She then peered over the top of her glasses and said: "You do realize Halloween is on a SUNDAY this year. What do you suppose they going to do about THAT?" Hell if I know. Not my call. If they want to stretch the holiday out for two days by some people celebrating on Saturday and some people on Sunday, fine by me. Just don't sell me junk at primo prices. O.K.???

Not having learned my lesson early on that Target was selling extreme Halloween crap this year, I got sucked into their web once again. It was a mummified cat. Oh, yes! I needed a mummified cat! Once again I took their bait, and once again they burned me. The cat arrived with not one, but two broken legs, but the real tragedy was that it had never been much to begin with. It was the most depressing piece of Halloween merchandise I'd ever seen. It made me sad. Is the economy THAT bad???

Halloween costumes are notoriously cheap and horrible, so I dodged that bullet by making my own this year -- or so I thought. I purchased some stuff called "Fake Spray Blood" to give my Zombie Prom dress that "died-in" look. Previously I had shredded and dirtied up the dress with brown ink for that dug-up look. What the dress needed was a little gore and I would be set. I sprayed the "Fake Spray Blood" on the dress and I must say it looked fabulous. I was so excited. Once again, my joy was dashed when I allowed the dress to dry overnight. When I looked at the dress this morning, all the fabulous red had turned brown. I couldn't tell the difference between the blood and the dirt. Now I am going to have to go with Plan "B" -- I just wish I had some idea what that was. MAJOR disappointment, once again.

Undaunted, I installed my cemetery this year and decided a grim reaper lurking in the shadowy background would add to the creep factor. Then I did something totally insane and ordered off of EBay. What was supposed to be an OUTDOOR, free-standing item, was stamped all over with "Indoor Only", and the skeleton head flopped around like a rag doll. The screws to attached the shoulders to the stand were missing, one arm were broken-off at the shoulders, and it can't be sold in California because of the lead and formaldehyde content. I hung the damn thing up in a tree and lodged a complaint with the seller, but the whole neighborhood has stepped-up the Halloween decor and I NEED that damn thing if I am going to compete.

I actually LIKE a little cheesiness at Halloween. But this year they have gone just too damn far with their brown blood, Styrofoam feet, busted-up cat mummies and defective skeletons. I'm tired of it and I am not taking it anymore. Who is with me?


  1. You're right. Halloween decorations are particularly cheap-o these days. Why, back in MY day, our zombies lasted a good 10 years.

    Now as for the blood: Real blood turns brown overnight, too, ya know? But you want it to look like fresh blood. I mean, if you wanted it to look real you'd use real blood, right?

  2. I may just use red paint. With glitter in it. I am not real big into reality -- so far it's been overrated.

  3. I'm with ya on the halloween junk. We got so tired of it that we began to make our own, and darned if it didn't turn out to be cheaper many times than the junk in the stores.

  4. DIY stuff is usually WAY better than the stuff in the stores. Unfortunately, I am very lazy. Though I may resort to DIM (Do-it-Myself)as some of the stuff from the store is so junky and broken I spend so much time putting it together I might as well DIM.