Friday, October 29, 2010

The Official Last Minute

LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - DECEMBER 01: A Dorothy Gale look-a-like poses as Harrods opens their Wicked Witch Of The East display on December 1, 2009 in London, England. (Photo by Neil Mockford/Getty Images)

In case you were wondering NOW is the official last minute before Halloween. Good-luck if you haven't planned your Halloween costume yet because you are pretty much screwed. I had to pick-up a pair of emergency devil horns yesterday and what is left in the stores is pretty awful. Retail establishments specializing in this holiday have, for some reason, decided that what women really want to be for Halloween is a skank. There are mountains of leftover skank costumes, but not much else. You might also find a few wigs that look fried because they have been tried on so many times and some busted-up stuff they STILL haven't put on sale because the stores can smell your desperation.

Speaking of which, I went to Wal-Mart yesterday. Lawd have mercy!!! I cannot buy candy until the last minute. The doctor has pretty much forbidden me from doing ANYTHING remotely fun and those Snickers bars curiously wind up in my mouth at an alarming rate. Wal-Mart was out-of-control and it was only Thursday. Wal-Mart employees were furiously unloading candy and couldn't possibly keep up with the volume of consumers furiously loading it into their carts. I can only imagine what that place will look like today and tomorrow. Good-luck you procrastinators!

No matter what I do there is only so much planning ahead I can do. After putting together a brilliant front yard display here at Kelleywood, the yard got whacked by two days of storms. To top it off, my damn camera is malfunctioning. I ordered stuff Kodak said would fix it -- and it didn't. What it did was waste even more of my precious Halloween prep time. I tried to get a camera sent express from Amazon. I missed the fine print when checking-out and discovered TOO LATE that their so-called express shipping is when their marketplace vendor says it is. Long story short, it isn't really express delivery but IS a big freakin' rip-off. I called Amazon, they referred me to the vendor. I called the vendor, they referred me to Amazon. The circle of blame. Disney needs to make a movie about this. I swear every one in customer service these days was raised by parents who were not hip to the "If Dad says no, ask Mom" routine practiced by cunning youth throughout the ages. Business schools must be teaching students that if you advertise enough that you provide good customer service, it absolves you from actually having to provide customer service.

Where was I? To add to all of this confusion, one of Atlanta's T.V. news stations is announcing that trick-of-treating is Saturday, the unofficial implication being that if you trick-or-treat on Sunday, you will be going to hell. You thought you had two days to get ready for Halloween -- hahaha! -- you only have ONE! Especially if you plan on getting into heaven. I am STILL celebrating Halloween on Sunday, because within my lifetime I have screwed-up so much stuff that the I figure the very least of my worries is celebrating Halloween on the wrong day. When I die, I plan on just BEGGING for forgiveness. I will be like a celebrity caught with his/her hand in the cookie jar:

"Yup. I did it. I celebrated Halloween on a Sunday. Forgive me. I signed-up for Halloween rehab at Betty Ford and will never eat a "Funsize Snickers" again. I promise."

In case you haven't figured it out already, there is no point to this post. I am avoiding paying bills.

1 comment:

  1. You're flippin' fabulous. Thanks for the chuckle today, and Happy Halloween.