Monday, July 26, 2010

Making Peace With Martha

Those of you who know me know that I used to have long standing issues with Martha Stewart. Her pretentious bitch attitude truly conflicted with my own. She was the only person who could make raising chickens sound lah-de-dah. Chickens are filthy, dirty stinky beasts, and unless they are of the grilled variety, I don't want them in my backyard. Martha was just annoyingly full of information on how to do freakin' EVERYTHING better than you. Of course, we all knew she had a big 'ol staff doing the work for her. Her do-yourself, free-range attitude when what she did required a cast of hundreds just annoyed the hell out me. This woman had never even tried Cool Whip. WTF?

Then Martha went to the slammer. Back then I would have said it served her right for even suggesting I have time (or the inclination) to shell my own freshly grown peas. However something I did not see coming happened to Martha while in jail. She seemed to take serious stock of her life and actually became a better person! When she got out it, was as if the three ghosts of past, present and future had come to visit her at the Federal Penitentiary in Alderson. We always hope that a stint in a federal prison might give someone the attitude adjustment they need (hint, hint) but it rarely ever does. Most people emerge from the poky pretty much the same as when they went in, or worse. Not Martha, though. She came out wearing a poncho one of the inmates made her and seemed to be somewhat humbled. Martha was so truly remorseful that Donald Trump stopped being her friend because she wouldn't be mean enough on her reality show. The core of Martha's personality remained the rooty-snooty-tooty-booty that could say "Alderson" like it was Vassar, but she seemed nicer. Martha she even seemed to develop a sense of humor. The old Martha was still there, but I could tolerate seeing her on T.V. without reaching for the remote. It was sort of amazing.

Then I started noticing something else about Martha Stewart: Nobody does Halloween quite as well as "Martha Stewart Living". They are a little on the tasteful side given my streak of kitsch-adore, but damn, Marth and her people have got some seriously good Halloween stuff (Or should I say "good things"?) No sooner had she lured me into her world with fabulous Halloween goodies, she launched a craft line that featured the best damn border punches I have ever used or seen. At first Michael's Craft Store was a little snooty and over-priced about this line. But no sooner could you say "Martha has craft supplies at Wal-mart", the prices dropped.

I may not arrange my schedule around when Martha's T.V. show is on, or subscribed to "Living", but Martha is nowhere near as irritating as she was before she went to the slammer. And that's a good thing. (Then there is Lilo...)

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