Is It a Big Fucking Deal?

Vice-President Biden got busted this week for uttering the F-bomb. A lot of people who have used this word once or twice in their live, seem to be acting astonished that a V.P. would ever say such a thing. Seems Joe Biden is a big potty mouth and to that I would like to say: "Shame, shame. Everybody knows your name!" I am just so grateful that under the tutelage of the current administration all of America's problems have been solved and we now truly have time to "sweat the small stuff" -- like the V.P.'s potty mouth. What? Things are still fucked-up? Then my potty mouth should be the least of your worries.

Sometimes I really enjoy swearing. I married a soldier and no one can put together a string of expletives more eloquently than a soldier. Yeah, yeah, I know: Swearing is lazy. Swearing is offensive. What about the children? If you think swearing is lazy, you have never heard a soldier put together an eloquent turn of vulgarity. A soldier can put together two fairly mild words, like "butt" and "munch", throw in a hyphen and you have the deliciously expressive term: "butt-munch".

As for laziness: I have never understood why being lazy was such a bad thing. I have to say that I have always found working to be a far more offensive state than being lazy. This may explain why it is Sunday morning and I am wearing the same pajamas I put on Friday night. If you can express something with one well-chosen vulgarity, it seems to me you will save a lot of energy and you will be far more environmentally friendly by practicing word-conservation. We are all about word conservation here at Kelleywood.

But, what about the children? Part of the reason I am child-free is that I didn't want to worry about "the children" -- mine in particular. Seemed like a hassle and that whole giving birth thing looks like it might hurt. Just wasn't my thing and I support your right to have a gazillion of them if you can afford to pay them. Bottom line is: If I'm the biggest problem your children have, count yourself lucky and clearly they haven't started dating yet. My potty mouth will be the least of your worries. It is also my humble opinion that my influence over your children is pretty minuscule compared to YOUR influence.

I had this great-aunt when I was a kid. Her name was Aunt Jo. She wore wedgies with white ankle socks, had female pattern baldness and wore wigs she bought at K-Mart. Aunt Jo wore bright red lipstick, chain-smoked and swore like a sailor. I adored her, even though she smelled like an ashtray. There was never a kinder, more honest, truly sweet person on the planet. I have met many people with dirty hearts and clean mouths, but very few as kind as Aunt Jo. (She was married to my Uncle Ab, who had a glass eye and tried to cheat when he'd play poker with us. I remember Aunt Jo running into the room yelling: "Goddamn it, Ab! Stop cheating those children!" After Aunt Jo passed away, Uncle Ab married his granddaughter's dance teacher, Kiki. Gotta' love them!) If one bit of my great-aunt's kindness is reflected in my potty mouth I believe I am a better person for it.

In my younger days, before I realized that sometimes you have to be nice to assholes, I let loose with a string of expletives on the owner of an automobile repair shop who had TRIED to fix my car failed, and now wanted me to pay for something else. When I expressed my ire with a few well-chosen expletives, he told me to, and I quote: "Act like a lady." Never was there a phrase in the history of the universe more fucking irritating and obscene TO ME than this phrase coming-out of this fuck head's mouth. "What the fuck do you mean?" I said. "You want me to be a nice girl and fucking bend over? Fuck you, you stupid fucker!!!" As ugly as this scenario was, it was even made worse by the fact that my very sweet, quiet, mild-mannered father was with me when I let loose. "Aw, shit," I thought as we walked back to the car. "Dad is gonna' be pissed." When we got to the car and I told Dad I was sorry I'd lost my temper he said: "Some guys are just jerks." But he had a wry smile and I could tell he was secretly amused by my bad behavior.

In this world of war, disease, poverty, prejudice, swearing is way down on my list of crap I am worried about. You go, Joe. From one potty-mouth to another: Free Speech Rocks!!!

P.S. I love that the blogger spellcheck knows that "fuck head" is two words not one!