Little Miss Perfect, Part Two (The Sequel)

My favorite part of "Little Miss Perfect" is what pageant director Michael Galanes has dubbed "Wow Wear". The purpose of "Wow Wear" is to "wow" the audience. Actually, I think it should be called "WTF??? Wear" as the is the quotation that most likely appears above my head in a cartoon bubble when I am watching this portion of the pageant. "Wow Wear" can be anything and frequently it is. One little girl strutted out in a shiny black vinyl police officer's outfit, blowing a whistle with great gusto, swinging her billy club, and when she turned around, we could see the authentic handcuffs tucked into her little uniform. I'm just grateful they were not covered in fur. This begs the question: Does child protective services not know about these people? As "Little Miss Perfect" builds a following, the "Wow Wear" competition has become more and more complicated. One little girl, whose parents were Marines, actually barreled out in a cardboard tank build over one of those electric kiddie cars. The pageant child's family's biggest concern was that the kid might drive off of the stage. I would have paid money to see that.

One if the peculiarities (and there are many) in kiddie pageant world is that many of the little girls have developed a very pronounced and strange manner of walking: One hand on hip, behind swinging, they sashay across the stage. Except in the beauty portion of the pageant where they are supposed to glide across the stage looking "regal". Seriously: Four-year-olds looking regal? According to Michael Galanes the goal is to "float". I am sure he has no problem with this, but a lot of little girls require a coach just to teach them how to walk. Here's the big question: How do I get this job? I have two-left feet, but even I can walk. (And my parents bitched about having to get a math tutor.)

(To be continued...)