Saturday, December 4, 2010

The Tooth Fairy is a Bitch

The Tooth Fairy

Let's get this out of the way right from the get-go so I don't have to listen to any one's inane advice about how to improve my oral hygiene. I brush. I floss. I have the high-speed toothbrush and a water pick. I see the dentist more than I see my own husband, but still I have crappy teeth. Up until Tuesday this week, I was on a roll since I hadn't had a dental crisis in two years. Then the whole house of cards came crashing down on me like a rotten molar on Laffy Taffy. Like a responsible adult I went in for my routine six month cleaning. Everything was fine. I left with a clean bill of health. My mouth was a little sore, but sometimes it is after a cleaning. Then, at 3:30 A.M. I awoke to a ragging, throbbing mother-of-all-toothaches. I would like to say I didn't know what it was, but I had been down this road before, sad to say, and I know a blown root-canal when I feel one. That's right all you happy people with decent teeth, that root-canal you had can GO BAD. The dentist assures me this is a rare thing -- 90% of root-canals are fine. Funny that this is the second one I have had explode on me, but I guess I AM JUST LUCKY!!! Most people think a root-canal is the end of the line for oral torture, but I am here to tell you it ISN'T. There is a WHOLE OTHER RELM OF HURT out there and it is called the endodontist.

Here is the short version of my history with endodontists: I had a root canal. The root canal failed. I had endodonic surgery (They drilled through my jaw! I had a bit of bone GO UP MY NOSE.) then THAT root canal failed. I got talked into a implant by an endodontist who should be the poster boy for medical malpractice, and wound-up with a major infection and bits of bone graft COMING UP THROUGH MY GUM. Did I mention that I have had heart surgery and endocarditis is a major health concern for me? Oral infection is like bad, bad, bad. Thousands of dollars later, I have a permanent bridge that spans one side of my mouth, which is what I was trying to avoid in the first place. Endodontists are all about saving your tooth. I swear sometimes they are more attached to my teeth than I am. That, and telling me, what my insurance covers and what it doesn't. Those people just love to quote the 60%, 40% co-pay crap. I KNOW it is going to cost me, I just don't want them to kill me, but I would still like to be able to chew.

So, if you happen to see the tooth fairy along side the road, flag that bitch down and tell her I want my old teeth back. I NEED THOSE BABY TEETH I SO FOOLISHLY SOLD FOR QUARTERS!!!!

P.S. If this makes no sense it is because they changed my pain medication -- as they no longer make Darvocet -- because apparently it causes heart problems. This does case me some concern that this is the drug they had me taking for pain after open-heart surgery for pain. BUT -- I suppose that it another blog for another time.


  1. I am a mutant. Turns out the damn tooth has TWO roots -- only ONE has has a root canal. The endodontist has to do another root canal on the other root. Of course, this will require a new crown and blah, blah, blah. TWO roots -- who the hell knew????

  2. FOUR freakin' roots and $500 later they had to pull the damn thing.