Kardashians for Dummies

The "E!" network is rapidly becoming the 24-hour-a-day channel featuring the Kardashians. The Kardashian phenomena is something I REALLY don't get. I have never actually managed to sit through and entire half-hour of their show because I have never been that bored. Usually I can come-up with something more interesting and mentally stimulating to do -- like trimming my toenails. The truly disturbing thing is how much I know about these Kardashians, who I am not even REMOTELY curious about. They aren't even interesting in a "Sarah-Palin-is-she-for-real?" kind of way. I try very hard to know as little about them as possible, yet they seem to be very dominant in the nation's collective psyche. By which I mean the Kardashians are on T.V. all the freakin' time. Therefore, with the recent immigration issues having come to the forefront our nation's politics, I feel that new immigrants may be at a disadvantage if they fail to understand the significance of this American family. So I have taken it upon myself as a public service to decipher the Kardashian family phenomena to those MORE fortunate than myself.

From what I gather, it all started because one of the Kardashians -- Kim -- who is really very pretty has a really big ass. Nobody in Hollywood has a big ass any more. Despite this horrible handicap, little Kim-with-the-big-ass was considered quite a beauty. This really pissed-off her sisters who also had big asses, but were NOT considered great beauties. That has to sort of stick in your craw. Someone decided that this would make a good T.V. show. It was not me. Now the other sisters run around trying EVERYTHING to be just as pretty as Kim, but it is not going so well for them. Too bad that all the celebrity magic in the world cannot make up for the genetic toss of the dice that is natural selection. In order to improve their gene pool, and hopefully the looks of their off-spring, the big-assed, but not so pretty Kardashians get drunk and date rich athletes. And by "date" I mean sleep with. It is not as easy to date rich athletes as it looks, and the girls are prone to resorting to all kinds of desperate measures to get their attention, except for Kim. I think the Kardashians may belong to some sort of peculiar religious cult, because despite the predilection for sleeping around, they do not believe in using birth control. It also seems that for the Kardashians, marriage actually hinders the process of conception. I am not aware of any physical or metaphysical reasons for this, it has just my observation. Bruce Jenner -- an Olympic decathlon gold medalist married Kris Kardashian, who intended to improve the Kardashian gene pool, or at least so her average, but big-assed daughters, could have a shot at meeting more athletes. I think Kris Kardashian may have as many children as those Dugger people, but I don't really watch that show either so I don't have numbers. There are so many of them and they tend to breed rapidly.

I think there is a hidden agenda here: The huge demand for constant celebrity news and the dearth of shows like "TMZ", "Access Hollywood", "E.T." etc., not to mention the entertainment segments on "news" shows create a huge demand for material. What better, more economical way to fill it than with the prolific Kardashian clan? Have a celebrity cancel on you and need to fill a time slot? There is probably a Kardashian floating around somewhere just waiting to fill your dead time. She'll probably be right in your town, too. It's a cable T.V. network executive's dream. What the Kardashians lack in quality they make-up for in quantity. Like the giant oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, Kardashians just keep spewing forth -- whether we want them to or not.