Saturday, August 28, 2010

Paris Goes to the Slammer: The Sequel

No sooner could you say "Lilo is out of rehab!" was Paris Hilton getting pulled over by Las Vegas Police with the odor of pot emanating from her car, and apparently a little cocaine on her person. An even bigger problem seems to be that Paris has managed to get herself arrested in a town whose slogan is: "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas". Not to mention that she is a bloody Hilton and they must own a good chunk of that town. Here is what Paris needs: ME!

Celebrities have people for everything -- stylists, publicists, agents, blah, blah, blah -- but what they do not seem to have is a person with any common sense. So, I have decided to suggest myself for filing this position. Shout-out to Paris and Lilo: You need me. I don't plan on doing much but laundry today any way, so Paris, Lilo feel free to call me to GET A CLUE! Maybe I can help you out between loads.

Waxed Lindsey Lohan

Here is just one thing about rich celebrities that never ceases to amaze me: Why the hell can't you HIRE somebody to carry your drugs for you? Have them follow you around in a car separate from your own and PAY them to take the rap for you if they get caught. What is the matter with you? Regular people HAVE to carry their own drugs because they can't afford all of the staff -- but not you! Stop blowing all your money on lawyers and funnel a little preventative cash into some good ol' fashioned pay-o-la. Stop proving over and over again that you do not have to be smart to be rich. It annoys the rest of us who are out here working hard and sacrificing, who have to BEG our doctors for LEGAL SUBSTANCES, and then hope by some act of God, our insurance plan will cover the costs and the copay won't be more than our weekly income. That's another thing: Every time one of you rich, spoiled bimbos OD's or winds-up in rehab (or dead) because of abusing PRESCRIPTION drugs, OUR doctors get all pissy about prescribing the good stuff. Frankly, we are sick of carrying your burden.


It seems to me you have a bunch of people around you who can tell you how to look cute in a mug shot, but not one with enough sense to keep you out of the pokey in the first place. Hire me and I swear I will give you sage advice like "Hire a driver.", "Lilo, wipe the coke off your shoes before heading out to the paparazzi!", "Put on some panties unless you WANT your hoo-hoo in the tabloids!" and "If you don't show-up to court, the judge is gonna' be really angry." You know -- the sort of stuff a good friend (or maybe even a parent) might tell us out here in the real world.

I am here and I am waiting.


  1. They would be crazy not to call you. Oh wait...

  2. ROTFLMAO. Never thought about hiring myself out as a common sense adviser. Guess I've rot the right qualifications since I managed to raise three girls who are of the brat-diva's ages and none of them have done jail time.

    You are one funny woman.

  3. love it! you would be perfect for the job. i smell a reality show in the making.