Thursday, May 6, 2010

Attack of the Pearly Whites

First off you must know that I have issues about my teeth. (Y'all might get sick of hearing about me, but that is why this blog is called "Joannafesto" not "I Really Care About Others". If I ever start a blog called that rest assured I have either lost my mind and/or am completely full-of-shit. Actually, you SHOULD presume I am full-of-shit unless I am coming off a recent colonoscopy.) Back to my teeth issues. I have crappy teeth. However, I have reached a point in my life where I am no longer trying to keep them looking all straight and pretty, but am just trying to keep the damn things in my head. This is not due to a lack of effort on my behalf: I brush, floss and water-pick with excessive regularity. If I was to calculate my dental work tab, I should have a Mercedes in my mouth. Yet teeth remain gaped toothed and a bit more yellow than I would like. It is no mean feat getting all of one's bridgework to match. Some people look at paint swatches, I browse through porcelain dental samples. Considering my first tooth imploded on itself -- it just crumpled like a cookie -- before I was 25, I suppose I am fortunate to have ANY teeth in my head.

Perhaps it is just jealously, but lately I have been noticing A LOT of preternaturally white teeth on T.V. people across the land. These teeth are not just white, they are whiter than white: They are glow-in-the-dark Ross Geller white. The freaky thing is that a lot of the people who have the preternaturally white teeth have also had a lot of other work done. They already look sort of embalmed to begin with, but the extreme white smiles make them look absolutely skeletal. I stopped watching "American Idol" this season not just because it really sucks -- which it does -- but I just kept getting so distracted by Simon's whiter than white teeth. The twenty-something contestants with their imperfect teeth would be singing their little hearts out, and then there was the middle-aged judging panel flashing their perfect whiter than white teeth. I just couldn't focus on what was being said. All I could see were teeth.

Back to my own imperfect choppers: I am doing my best to keep them. I will pass on aiming for the whiter-than-white, perfect T.V. teeth. This is not just because I suspect that they are computer enhanced. Going through a pile of old photos I ran across a picture of my late father at his high school graduation. My Dad had a bridge where his front teeth had been pulled, so I never knew him with his original grin. In this picture from so many years ago, Dad stands in his cap and gown, beaming with the same gaped toothed grin he passed on to me.


  1. I love your observations. and "Joannafesto" not "I Really Care About Others" made me laugh.

  2. I don't like that crazy white tooth look.

    It's unnatural, I tells ya!!

    And all that bleach is going to turn their teeth into crumbles..

  3. i agree on idol. I normally would freak if I missed 2 minutes. this season I dont even realize it is on. I have missed the past 2 weeks solid. soooo over it. dont know why exactly but maybe it is the teeth situation.

  4. I stopped watching A.I. when I realized I was trying to keep myself amused by comparing teeth. They may distract us with the teeth, but we know it's the show that sucks.

  5. I don't think all that bleaching of the teeth can be good for them over time. I'm even afraid to use those whitestrip things.